2010/03/04 23:56
¿ ?/사람사는 이치란
Sometime, I don't know, at some random point of my life, I've encountered the phrase "on the verge of breakdown." I recall it was only a title of the Spanish movie I had to watch for a class assignment but I've become to like the sense that the phrase somehow reminds me of myself standing at the edge of the cliff about to fall soon.
I am on the verge of breakdown.
What is your problem honey? Are you stressed out? What is going on with you?
Nothing. I'm not stressed out... well not excessively. Nothing's going on with me.
Then why?
I think my excessive mood swing has decided to visit me again because he was way too lonely.
All the burdens on my shoulder, as one of my close friends have put it, that was when I was relatively young, struggling for a first success step to reality. Between real and ideal, there I stood, whether I thought I was the only one walking through self-excessive-pressure on whereabouts and whatabouts of my future. All the confusions about where I stood, who I was, and what I was doing led to initial lack, or ignorance of my ideal. The unconscious deny of reality has brought an excessive mood swing along, causing even more recovery time than... anything that has ever happened to me. Yes, one kiddo's grandiose attempt to initiate life, big step into reality caused endless efforts to actually recover wounds from the hurts at the expense of some of my most precious time and people, but I have not regretted, as I wouldn't have really known how I would at least feel, or how I would diagnose myself, if I haven't gone through such, seemingly, difficult time.
Now I am under different surroundings, with new environments, events, and people. I appreciate the fact that I am here, going through other unique experiences: another gift out of all those countless I have gotten from loves. All those experiences, I wouldn't say, are necessarily pleasant or can be remembered happy, but people do not always, all the time, own only happy memories. I have been discouraged, put down, felt "the" bottomness, and rejected. My ideal, my future, my goal, everything has been shaken, as if my whole plan was torn into pieces. Yes, I still have not committed myself to one, my only one, my goal, my aim. Opening up to all the possibilities, this, has become one of my first-thing-to-dos with the lack of self-confidence in committing myself into one. It's okay, I have learned another valuable lesson on my way to "me2day."
I don't know if my friends will be reading this, or a random stranger might be, if anyone who was part of my life at some point would be. I am not necessarily having difficult time about what's going on around me now. Everything piles up. From the first big struggle I had to deal with, I had no doubt I would not be going through another crisis of some sort taking more time and people to heal. Yet, I failed. I am going through another crisis, in a slightly different form, that would require a grande involvement of time and loves. One difference from the first struggle would be that, only that, my preciouses who are present with me seem going through their sort of crisis, whether in a physical or mental form. I cannot seek help. Maybe my loves from the first have not trained me well. They didn't help me go through the entire hurt-and-heal process by myself. Now I feel angry and sad: angry that I couldn't go through all by myself sad that I needed so much of loves to overcome. I really hope they are okay. They should not go through this shitty, depressing, end-of-the-world mood with this magnitude. No, I described it wrong. I don't always feel depressed. If I were, I would definitely have gone out of that mood, kicking its ass that I ain't that reluctant. Yet, countless mood swings that I experience, smiling at the sky with all happiness and hurting myself for my uselessness three seconds later, do not seem... fine.
Perhaps I am admitting that I am having hard time. I do. And I am admitting, once again, that I don't know why. I didn't know why I was getting through such difficult time while I was a high school kid. Not until later have I realized what I was trying to overcome, self-pressure with so much of my ego hurt. Not until later, will I understand what I am trying to overcome. I wish I could know now, but sadly enough, I do not know.
I am seeking help. My preciouses should be always happy and be willing to help me get out of this shithole. Let me lean on your shoulder. Yes? Maybe, or definitely this is a selfish little thought. Why don't I let someone lean on my shoulder? I am afraid no one would want to. With this sensitivity, I take no as "the" end of the world. If no one wants my help, that will be sad. I am more than ready, if someone who thinks I am not pathetic enough and can use me to overcome with their difficulties.
Some deep, serious thoughts entertain and help me know more about myself, but at this excessive level? I don't think so. I do not want people to know that I am always a serious one, well I am not. People who know me well enough, know. Or perhaps not. As I don't know about myself, would others know more about me?
That's why I'm ending here, and wish that I could be laughing out loud about myself for writing this, after I come back from a much-needed break from everything, a break from reality, an escape from all the problems.
On the verge of breakdown and fall, I am climbing up to the top, the place where I used to be, and where I will be.
P.S. If I could see you again, crisis, in which I did, but sometime later, if we have another encounter, I will deal with you in a more mature way. I will make sure to do that.
